China Car Times

Today was a day like any other day, except it was Friday, it was lunchtime, and my wife said she was going out with her friends, I wasn’t invited. That left a man of my caliber with one option, eating alone. I could have gone to any restaurant in the whole of Qingdao, I could have got a healthy sandwich from a delicatessen, but no, I decided that as I didn’t eat on Thursday and was now beginning to resemble an 80kg Ethiopian, only a sudden input of grease and carbohydrates would settle my hungry. In retrospect, I should have gone to any other restaurant in Qingdao.

I wanted a Big Mac meal, my mind was set. The nearest Mc Donalds to me at that point was in Jusco, quite a famous Japanese shopping mall in Qingdao, I tend to visit Jusco 5 or 6 times a week for daily groceries.

I ordered at an empty till, I was waiting for my Big Mac (fast food is never fast in the glorious PRC) at the till, along came a tall, skinny, scraggly lady dressed in jeans and a tracksuit top, that is usually favored by high schools for uniform use. Something told me her advanced age, and long greasy scraggly hair she wasnt nessecelry a highschool student. ‘Ni Hao‘ she said, ‘Ni Hao‘ I replied ‘You been in Qingdao long then?’ she questioned, ‘No I said’ Im not one for talking to strangers in China, as they usually turn out to be nutters or, language rapists who just want to be your best buddy in the whole world if you teach them English 50 hours a week, for free. The Mc Donalds lady finally dropped my rank Big Mac on my tray, I picked the tray up and chose my seats behind a large plant, not wanting the Crazy Lady to spot me.

Crazy Lady clearly wanted to talk more, and made a beeline for my table. I thought shes  probably just a friendly lady, without asking she parks herself in the seat opposite me and sticks out a hand, ‘Nice to meet you!’ she barks in Chinese, and I declined to shake her hand on the account that my hands were greasy, ‘It doesnt matter!’ she says, still holding out her scraggly arm, ‘It matters’ says I, she gave up. ‘Where are you from?’ she enquires, I had a mouthful of Big Mac which gave me a good amount of time to think about the answer, I could bullshit and say Russia, but Ive done that before and ended up having to speak Russian to an old man, I could say any country in the world, but I chose England. ‘ohhhh, you’re English then!’ after saying this, she stuck her gangly arm into her pocket and fished around for what seemed an eternity, finally pulling out a single RMB coin.

‘Ill give you this, you give me an English coin’

‘Sorry love, I dont have any English money’

‘Then what do you have?’

‘RMB’ says I, only then do I notice the 5 or 6 slash scars on her left wrist.

‘Do you have a camera’  she asks, full of questions this woman. ‘No, I dont’ I replied, sharply.

‘Then do you have any money, we can go upstairs, buy a camera, and take a picture together’ Yes, because I often carry around the 2000rmb it needs to buy a camera, just to take a one off picture. My cellphone has one, but I am not about to let the crazy lady anywhere near my miniture mobile office.

‘Ok then, Ill give you this 1 RMB as a gift, but what can you give me’

‘It was destiny we met’ she says. Im beginning to wonder if its time to leave, the gentleman in a green mac sitting at the table next to me just said ‘Good Luck’ in English as he stood up and left. I should have got up and began talking to him about last weeks meeting and Matts wedding, just so the Crazy Lady would leave me alone.

‘I dont know, Ill think about it’ says I, trying to force myself to eat the cardboard Mc Donalds fries. I stood up, and said I was returning to my office.

‘Lets go together!’ she suggests

‘Id rather not’ I leave the Mc Donalds, and go upstairs onto the second floor of Jusco. Crazy Lady must have abandoned her Mc Chicken sandwhich and coffee to pursue me, I wasnt going fast, but the slap slap slap noise of someone trying to scurry upstairs persueded me to increase speed, go through the toy section, around the bicycles section.

BUSTED - somehow the skinny old girl had managed to catch up with me, I have a word with the security guard

‘Officer, this lady is harrasing me’

Him: ‘Eh?’

Crazy Lady ‘What?!? I didnt?’

At this point I figured the security guard would at least ask a few questions, and Id be able to keep walking away, I went up the esculator to the roof top carpark, Crazy Lady was unhindered by the security guard, and began to go up the esculator. Thankfully my trusty steed was not parked too far away from the rooftop enterence, thumbling around for the doors remote keyfob, I unlocked the door. Crazy lady was still in pursuit at this point, I opened the door, threw my rucksack in, and hit the central locking button. Crazy Lady was in full Olympic running mode at this point, she battered the window, ‘Lets go together!’ she screamed. Flipping the ignition, and putting the car into a reverse, praying to God that there was no car behind me. Sucessfully out of the parking spot, I went to push the gear stick into drive position, but Crazy Lady had now got in front of the car, her two hands firmly pushing on the left hand side of the bonnet - as if she thought she could stop my mighty 1.6 motor with her two bare hands. Unfortunatly she could not, hitting the accelerator and driving to the right meant that she was easily past. Looking back in the rear view mirror she was still standing, evidently unhurt.

What I learned from this lesson:

1. Never eat at Mc Donalds, it makes you fat, and it is visited by crazy people.
2. Never engage crazy people in conversation, they are crazy.
3. Security guards are lazy.

Obviously I could have over powered the lady if anything became physical, but being nuts, and the Chinese liking to carrying smile knifes for peeling fruit etc who knows what she had in her pockets and what she could have done with it.

I took a long route home, just in case Crazy Lady did happen to have a car or other vehicle in which she could follow me and make my life difficult. I live in a gated compound with strict guards on every gate, they dont let anyone in without an airtight reason (I do dislike them for this, but now I like them)

I parked up my dirty motor, and noticed two hand prints on the dirty bonnet. Only then did I laugh my ass off. Pursued by a crazy lady across a shopping mall, shouting about how it was destiny we were to be together, for the princely sum of 1rmb, and a photo together. My wife found the story very, very funny. Im staying away from Jusco for a few days….